A fool uttereth all his anger; But a wise man keepeth it back and stilleth it ~ Proverbs 29:11
I have been talking in all the wrong places. I have been in my feelings, and allowing anger to take me out of the character God intends for me. This mood shift started last Wednesday. It was my one year review at work for 2016. It opened the door for old anger. Since then, I have been sharp and fussy. I have literally sat in meetings with the boss and not opened my mouth to say a word to him. Then when someone asks what is wrong, I let all of the anger come out.
I can’t let this go. Anger is a stronghold and I am going to have to deal with this.
I know how to be angry. And I know how to make people angry. My dad taught me well. As much as I miss him, the truth is he was an angry alcoholic. When he drank, he would curse and be verbally abusive. He called me every name in the book and I had to hear it for days, every week. As long as he was drinking, I was a …. (well I won’t repeat it but if you can imagine it, I was called it.) This is how I grew up. I learned that people will target you based on their own issues. I have no idea why my father was so angry with me. but I know that even to this day, I have questions of why I was ever born.
Fast forward 35 years later and I have a boss who reminds me so much of my father that it is driving me crazy. I am having the same arguments that I had as a child. I am listening to someone tell me that my work is never good enough, someone who will intentionally go through weeks of my work in search of an error, all to through it back at me. I work with targeted attacks. As much as I want to walk in and resign, God keeps telling me that I cannot run from this. I have to deal with it or this stronghold will only follow me.
I know this is true. I dealt with this same thing in a past relationship. For years, the man I dated was angry at me. his anger went from verbal abuse to physical abuse. We fought almost daily. One day, he asked me if I was ready to die because he was going to kill me. I walked with black eyes and a swollen mouth. My self-esteem became no-existent. It was when that relationship ended that work started going downhill, and it’s been in that direction ever since.
Now Lord, show me how to tear this stronghold down. No more anger, no more abuse, no more being a victim. I know I am not supposed to be stuck here. Help me to be wise in this.
Ayoka Boyce ~ Minister, Author, Blogger, Lover of Coffee